zanaelf's News


It feels like the end

2017-01-06 21:19:21 by zanaelf

People are actually the mirror of my success... What is reflected back at me is shit, so therefore I am shit

Which means my life is pointless, it made no impact whatsoever..

I should have not been born, neither should I have existed .... I should have been on some planet elsewhere where I am not seen as an alien.

I am pointless, I am nothing , a freak that was dumped on this planet to observe, and all I observed was pain, suffering and torture.

Even my art gets deleted, which is why I am not on facebook, warn people about facebook... nothing happens.. thus my existence is pointless

Told people hey , please stop the shit... here are the answers to life the universe and everything, get ignored... my existence is pointless

Knowing i would be dying from radiation sickness...

guesed brexit .. it happned... guessed trump... it happned... guessed ww3 ... see the pattern here ? its pointless staying alive

Happiness for me feels like an unreachable fantasy that gets pulled away from me.... every time i try to grab it

This is happening, just like my re-occurring nightmares, people that I met and loved would betray me as a freind for a political dipshit(Trump)

YOUR PLANET IS UNDER THREAT AND YOU FACE EXTINCTION BY YOUR OWN STUPIDITY BY WAR, FOSSIL FUELS & NUCLEAR WEAPONS, THIS COULD HAPPEN WITHIN A YEAR IF NO CHANGE ...How is that.. Earth people are afraid of an "Alien Invasion" .. but the real threat to their home planet is themselves.

 have started to get my Nuclear Daymares
As you know the MPs in parliament debated Trident and voted for Trident and Nuclear Weapons quite recently Something David Cameron wanted to do and now since Theresa May is the New Prime minister since after #Brexit, its the first thing she focuses. She says she wont hesitate to press the red button and millions of people die.
I originally wanted to go to London last week, but I had to attend a doctor’s appointment., also it meant having to spend all my credit on my credit card. Instead I composed a music track , which I had not been well enough mentally to add lyrics to the


I have been working on a painting to protest against nuclear weapons with an Eloha/Extraterrestrial who created/seeded life on this planet, crying that Earth humans have kicked off in a nuclear war.


No one listens or hears the warnings displayed in the painting, since it is almost complete and a lot has happened to shift the doomsday clock unofficially to two minutes to midnight, since Trident has been passed with the majority of the vote of MPs for it.
Before the Trident debate and vote , a black van had parked in the back lane , and I suspect it to be military, because it was the same van that was parked in the market square outside of the bridges the day after the Trident vote had being passed, and was doing military recruiting.


While the van was parked outside my broadband internet(my home wifi) and landline had been cut, to try and gag me from trying to contact/tweet the MPs while the Trident discussion and vote was taking place. I could only message a few, the ones in particular who were for Trident such as Theresa May. I least expected my local MP to vote for it, though a week and a half before , I had sent her a letter through CND, and got no response.  She has grown distant from responding to my recent letters I posted since Brexit via petition websites, in regards to human rights and the NHS.

I have been having very little sleep encase I would be falling into the reoccurring nuclear nightmare. With articles of nuclear weapons/trident in local newspapers to international websites, I have commented.., and as well talking to the neighbours whien I take my cat out for a walk. I am rather disturbed by the responses that general civilians, where I suspect there is some sort of mind control program on the go, where they are blocked from the seriousness, the prevention and saying no to nuclear war.

Today was another day going to Newcastle to the doctors in regards to my gender issues, more procrastination I would say instead of making goals and plans for an operation, which was rather depressing as it is in itself. After the appointment, headed back on the Metro train back home, stopped off to do some shopping to get fish pie, sushi, a chocolate bar, milk, chocolate milk and dry cat pellets for my kitty. I went back on the Metro , and just before my last stop between central station and parklane , I had a daymare daydream, where I can best describe it as a simulation. It felt so real. In the carriage setting opposite me was a child, a girl and her grand mother. The child was playing with her new toys her grandmother had bought her. All of a sudden there was a bright white flash, and the girl that was playing disintegrated before my eyes, as the chairs, paint and glass melt out of the carriage, and her silhouette gets imprinted against the metal side of the train. I felt myself disintegrating feeling intense heat on my skin, inside my body, as if I had been incinerated also. I knew what this was. I thought this was it, nuclear war had started , and I was in the middle of the blast. I was more disturbed and hurt seeing a young girl incinerated by the nuclear blast in front of me, with her silhouette stained on the metal side of the train. Then it ended, I woke up out of this simulation. I found the train was not moving. 
I asked anyone who would listen, what had happened. They said the train’s power had cut out, and it is dead, and we would have to wait for the power to turn on so the train could start moving again. I was glad that what had happened was not real, and everyone was still alive.
I started crying, because what I had experienced was so real. I did not look out of the window if there were any extraterrestrials spaceships outside. But I feel this was a simulation that was beamed at me, which was so strong it caused the train’s power to cut out, that this is a glimpse of the future if people go ahead with nuclear war. 

Fuck this so called thing called Life

2016-05-01 00:53:46 by zanaelf

I am having a hard time... No one understands, what t like being the born the way I am, not get the help I need to get on with my life. I do some art  "eggsterminate" , apparently stall on it because I am terrible depression and anxiety. Coloured over it more than once after drwing it, because It (spent two fucking weeks on it) always ends up looking wrong... I decide to dedicate an entire day to colour it again... finish it, submit it to the artist portal of this website ... fand what do I get a fucking 1.5 vote on the submission rating ... wtf seriously if that is going to motivate me , you thought wrong... in fact i feal fuckig suicidal that the only sane thing to do was remove it from the art portal and not have people rate the fucking thing ..  In future I am not going to submit art here with a  fucking rating score thing... I  thought it was motivating a ahile ago, to imrpove my work... not anymore...because some people just rate it down because they hate me... and dont give a fuck about the art ... its just fucking adding to my problems of depression, and anxiety and leading towards art blocks...

In fact i dont feel like submitting art to this fucking website ever...    my self esteem and motivation is 0 ... and contemplating  on killing myself...



The way the internet has changed for me.

2016-04-24 23:47:03 by zanaelf

The internet has changed a lot since I last made my first connection and said "Hello World".
I first connected to the internet in 1998, when I used to live in South Africa and started making friends around my interest in a singer called Dana International who one the Eurovision in 1998. The Internet back then was more open minded and friendly, and having net pals was a great escape for me, when I used to be Isolated because of being different. Meeting people on mailing lists around the topic of interest and making friends, evolved to into forum based interactions, which then lead to instant messageng. ICQ was one of the first apps, where in those days apps were called programs. Moved from ICQ to AOL, then Yahoo messenger to MSN messenger. I had quite a few pen and net freinds more than what I have today.

During the instant messaging days at the start of the new millennium while I was student at university, I joined Deviantart which was just starting off to be the art site like it is today, but it was more forum based in function and appearance. 

Then Facebook made its appearance, it was quite different from what it is today. It was more of a site to send someone wishes and virtual gifts of useless collectables which had sentimental value. Much of my friends migrated to Facebook, including myself. I did what i had done ..

Then things changed , Facebook became a pile of  retarded policy based pile of 1984 big brotherish tripe, which seemed to have an influence on a lot of websites including deviant art. Now Facebook has designed the trends of GUI appearance for operating systems (FLAT DESIGN), and web design as well as policees and the big brothersih hive mind set on content.

Being a natural maverick , because of the way i as born and having otherworldly experiences in my existence , and expressing myself in ideas and feelings that are unusual and alien to the norm in my artwork and creativity even to this present day. The very reason why I first went on the internet was to escape intimation and simple minded people who had a very narrow minded perspective of life, the universe and everything, seemed have invaded my "safe space" which was the internet. 

Things changed, people changed. i never changed, its just that I cant freely express myself and be myself where ever I go and have been forced to split myself on what I can and what I cannot share  with the enforcement of punishment. The very freedom that the internet gave me slowly deminished and became the very narrow minded , hard, non-understandng ,a freedom-less place, that I had had escaped from in IRL, where I was around people and acquaintnces who had antiquated , conservative, religious narrow minded views about life, the universe and everything. Where they would look at my art, and freak out at the boobies and naked shiny bodies and think I am sex offender of some sort. Not realising that I am an artist and this is how I express myself, especially in a way that gives me comfort and relief from the fact that I would never in my life meet up with people who would be like minded and be intimate with. It was a way to express these feelings out. On top of it all , since being born intersexed, and then later in life discover that I had been born intersexed, and then given an apology from my parents about what they had done in my late 20s, which lead me to have a brake down, and cause drama with a few of my friends I knew here on this website, which caused a series of events which lead to further isolation from people, as well loosing my character...

The internet today is bigger and more lonely than it ever was once before, because of Facebook, and the influence it has on online social life and perceptions. One would think the opposite would have happened. Seriously what is the NSFW crap ? I don't get it , because it is my work and it is what makes me feel safe as an individual away from narrow minded idiots, and conservative viewpoints...

All the people I had made friends with in the past from the days of joining Dana International Mailing lists to ICQ, AOL, Yahoo Messanger, web forums, MSN Messenger  are gone and forever lost because of Facebook.  I left Facebook because of the regular threats and punishments for just being myself by sharing my artistic expressions for my friends. You would think if friends wished to keep in touch they would keep in touch in other mediums, such as twitter, tumblr, google+ and so on... nope... they found themselves stuck on Facebook, and because I am not on Facebook anymore... its out of sight , out of mind.  I just remembered a friend the other day , she likes Apple computers, and I had windows back in the day... maybe I would add her with FaceTime , and perhaps play an OSX game... nope nothing, she probably does not use that email anymore, and is pst definitely still on Facebook. in the puritan hive mind. Well she is a full on musician in an orchestra , she does not get penalised like I do for visual art...

Fuck you Zuckerberg, you ruined my online social life..., especially now when the UK has gone like the days when I was trapped in South Africa , and locked in a bedroom.  I am now locked in my flat hoping that some crazy drunk does not kick the door in because he/she wishes to use me as an emotional punch bag because they got kicked of the dole , on the basis that I stand out in appearance. It feels like I am back in South Africa. Looking at South Africa now... Eish ... that could be what the UK be like in the next 10 years if the Tories are still in.

Life is shit ... I am being probed and procrastinated with and don't know when I would get my operation... No longer it is my parents , its now government. History is repeating itself... and wishing to go to another country has become wishing to go to another planet.

I am so depressed i feel like killing myself .. 

Sound cloud and the money disease ruin it for me.

2016-03-29 20:45:32 by zanaelf

I just don't do art in the form of images and sculpture. I also compose and create music. Recently I use Logic and Ignite with my MIDI controllers , an Oxygen 49 keyboard and a roll up silicone keyboard which I can carry in a bag.

I upload my music to Sound Cloud , on Tumblr, ( I used to as well on think atheist, but they focuses the site more on debating and stuff), and as you can see in the link on every journal entry called Music Library , I upload music there on New grounds. Somehow users cant download my tracks anymore. I offer free downloads and playback strewing on Sound Cloud. I find uploading my stuff to Apple Music confusing , and vague and not simple like sound cloud. 

Here is where the shit hits the fucking fan for me, and anyone who is a new musician , or a casual musician , who normally does work or other forms of art as their primary skill. Sound Cloud wants to introduce $9.99 subscription bullshit. This is going to fuck any free/new/casual artist in the fucking arse. I have seen this happen with websites that were once free and become bogged down with the money disease like deviant art or youtube as an example. Those that pay into the service will get exposure. and those who don't somehow get downtrodden and hidden from exposure to develop a fan base for anyone who may like or enjoy your style of music. 

I hate it when capitalism fucking ruins and hides good art from exposure... This also happens with paintings, and how modern splish splash bullshit paintings are in the spotlight more often than skilled art... such as the poo poo platter  "Mark Rothko's 'No. 10' sells for $82 million in NY"..

Just found a new website like sound cloud, seems to have better features and used to be like what Soundcloud more or less had, before it decided to be the next spotify competitor. I would be uploading new music there now.

Well as you see how shit things are becoming on this planet, I thought I would get this done and over with, something that will help people think on what they are doing. I was happy that WW3 was averted this year three weeks ago, but the nightmare is still knocking at the door, while the doomsday clock still hangs at 3 minutes to midnight. I am also hoping that this painting would also put my re-occuring precognition nightmares to bed, so I can enjoy the remaining years of my life. The NHS has not been supportive as well, delaying my surgery with excuses as people have valued money more than my life and wellbeing, and the people I rely on for help, have been giving me similar denial of help and treatment that I had experienced when I lived in South Africa. I really want to leave this planet, because I am afraid what is going to happen, if things do not change for the better.

The artwork is going to be similar to my "No More War" image, but with a lot more detail in the background focusing on a possible future, if all shit goes wrong, and nuclear weapons have been used. Hoping the message of "No More War" is emphasised stronger , with consequences of the stupidity of war being reflected in the background. As you can see tensions are really getting stupid, North Korea wants to bomb the USA, the USA want to bomb North Korea, the nuclear Missiles are stored in Okinawa US bases against the will of the Japanese people, Then the whole thing with Russia VS USA on how to deal with the big baby the CIA created called ISIS. Thats not all, then recently about Iran and the US, and its wishes to want to bomb Israel. Then there is China as well. Then the possibility of civil war in South Africa, because of the tensions between Russia(BRICS) and USA, where local political shit is stirred by the CIA from the USA, which poverty and racism are being used as a catalyst. Then there there is the MH370 flight issue which may lead to evidence that USA shot down the plane with an energy weapon, but this information is oppressed and censored with life threats to the locals who witnessed events in the Indian Ocean, such as the Maldives. including German Wings. So basically shit is building up, and I feel I need to do another artwork tell tell people to stop the warshit. I just have nightmares when I see the US president Trump on the opposite end of the room with Kim Jong-un..

Digital painting between platforms, and issues

2016-02-20 02:55:19 by zanaelf

I simply do not use one operating system, even device and one program to get what I need to done. I wish there was an art painting program, that is multi platform , which is made to run on OSX, Windows, Linux, iOS and Android with the same features, functions and tools.

When I start a digital painting piece, wether it turns out to be more mangerish or a digital painting, depending on the flow of things, and what I wish to express. I normally start sketching. First I search for references of poses from photographs from random pictures from searching, or if that is a hassle I pull out a traditional drawing mannequin , or load a virtual 3D mannequin , in a poser software like app on my iPad, such as Pose tool, Manga Pose Tool ( ArtPose FE 
Or even use Poser, which I do for my 3D scenes, which I now use to create entire 3D scenes as references for oil paintings, which in the past, the 3D work was my completed art, and now they are only references for my oil paintings. Before I used these apps on my tablet, I used the built-in 3D manaequins in Manga studio, or my traditional wooden one. Manga studio has a good pencil sketching tool, something which Photoshop does not have. I have tried to download brushes that would compensate, but does not have the good feel , and pressure sensitivity as the pencil stool in Manga studio, where you can do light, to hard strokes, as if sketching on paper in real life. Corel Painter, which I recently got, also has a good sketching pencil tool. Sketchbook (, on the other hand, has a pencil tool, and it suffices with sketching as well on the computer and on the iPad. The stylus I have for the iPad is a Wacom intuos creative stylus. The problem with Sketchbook on the iPad, is it is restricted with drawing page resolutions. I always work on A3 size dimensions for better quality and detail, and if I should print it out it would look natural and less blurry and pixelated. If I were to sketch on my iPad first, it is OK, because I can always enlarge it to A3 size on my Mac. But if I sketch on my mac, and work to paint in Sketchbook on the iPad, I would get an error message stating that the artwork is too large, so Sketchbook is out as being a multi platform thing, and would use it to sketch on the iPad, to export to the Mac once only, or do a complete piece on the iPad. ArtStudio is like the Photoshop for the iPad. has a terrible sketch pencil, but decent painting brushes, but can only import , and exporting is done through iTunes/email, so your stuffed if you have no internet. Then there is Medibang Paint ( Completely multi platform, and a developing software that is like Manga Studio and free. Its sketch pencil tool sucks and is best in doing painting. Unfortunately Manga Studio is more efficient in doing line art, since the pen tool has a jitter-hand correcting settings, that makes lines neater and more precise. So Medibang would be best used for basic colouring in and painting on both platforms. If work is done on the iPad only sketches are best done first with Sketchbook , and the final work done in Medibang. The only problem is it does not seem to work well with my Stylus , with pressure sensitivity, as well as Sketchbook Medibang exports and saves are done in its own format as .mdp files, and exports to its own cloud service and storage to allow transfer between devices. If you have no internet connection, your stuffed, because it does not alliteratively save as .psd which can be imported and used. ArtStudio saves files in .art format. It also has the problem with not registering the pressure sensitivity of my stylus. Medibang paint also has an online social network site like deviant art, but in more of a google+/facebook/twitter style where you can upload final works from your tablet, or computer , or medibang cloud saves to published work, as well as it has its own ebook app to download and read the comic books and manga people created including your own. At the moment Medibang paint is not an alternative to manga studio yet, perhaps when the program evolves it may be in the future, and would be better with its extra bells and whistles of cloud storage, social networking and pulsing and selling of art and comics/manga. There is no manga studio for the tablet which is unfortunate. 

When painting/clouring in and lineart I use Astropad , which turns the iPad into a graphics tablet, where you can move around, like colouring on paper and visually see what you doing on the screen of the computer and the tablet. 

So I mostly do my colouring in and tones and painting in Manga Studio on the Mac. 

Once I have pose to work from, I mostly sketch in Manga Studio, using the Wacom Bamboo tablet (the older 2010 design)(CTH470)

Touching up work is essential after you have painted , touching up work does simple fixes such as effects to even fix proportion errors without having to scrap or redo the work. Touch ups, even can enhance colours and light tones. This is where Photoshop comes in, but the only problem is is its Liquify tool, which does the job but is tedious and irritating when working with layers. I have to go into windows and use corel photo paint, which is an alternative to Photoshop, and its warp brush does the work, without getting confused with the layers. It also has some quick apply effects that take less steps as if you used photoshop, such as focal effects, that saves time and effort. I use my Wacom bamboo tablet for that, since Astropad only works on OSX.

Backgrounds can be painted in any program and exported in jpg format and imported into various programs , and can be moved around with iFile or Photos app, if you had done them on tablet first, or you can do them on the computer. Some effects can be rendered such as space nebulas, warp fractals, slip streams and stars in native or vmware windows , and also works with wine in mac , using Apophysis

So basically there is no stand alone program that does all of this on Mac and on iPad, I wish there was.