Been stalling on my recent artwork, because of certain things are fucking up in actually getting shit done in moving on in life.
At the moment I have been considered mentally stable enough to qualify for surgery after focusing on getting the health prerequisites prepared for surgery, the DWP decided to jump ahead, instead of waiting for me to get the fucking surgery done, which would have been the logical outcome of my situation. But this stupid government has no logic, and everyone is a cash making machine to the system of the human stock farm called a country, and not treated like people of the planet.
I have PTSD that any stress would cause me to self harm, and my sole focus should be preparing for the surgery, not doing things that would affect my mental health in coping with day to day bullshit that people throw at me, which the work activity group would most likely do in making my mental health stability worse.
They moved me off Support Group ESA to Work Activity Group, where I would have expect to do things, and if i cant do them because of my problems.
This is very much almost the same as part f my reoccurring nightmare, where my surgery gets cancelled (Time condensed into a nightmare that is a few hours could be years.
..but Brexit and Trump has already happened. Its two minutes to midnight and WW3 is close even when the North Korean issue has been placed under ice, Nukes still exist... and there is 15000 of them on this planet aimed to different regions of the same planet. Like a dude with a thousand guns pointed to his own head.
If i have a breakdown like in 2011 , my surgery gets delayed another 5 to 10 years if I survive another attempted suicide, my body is already in bad condition because of it. When that day happens it personally is an indicator when the mushroom clouds appear, 80:20 I survive and die from radiation poisoning in the arms of an extraterrestrial who rescues me after the war, because it wasn't safe to rescue me, with the space force now in place, or get vaporised with my silhouette plastered on the inside of a train, with a nuke detonating close outside near the railway line.
I am barely coping, and I am nervous and deteriorating under the stress and fear of the first interview, such as urinating and defecating in my sleep on rare occasions, passing out and fainting on the concrete flat floor, chipping a tooth or two, excessive vomiting after eating and fear of self harm from unwanted stress caused by discrimination, attempt of bulling by bigoted people on the street for just being born different, walking with difficulty because of a broken back and having to deal with stupid people who don't understand my situation face to face....
The extraterrestrial told me, they sorry they could not rescue me, because they were shot out of the sky and bailed death....and i in tears that they almost lost their own life to try and save mine.
There is nothing special about me, like they think I am, I am broken, and I am fucked I was probably that beautiful flower, but now just like a plant who had been under the tires of a bulldozer, that moved back and forth several times. The first was a month after I had been born with forced surgery to the gender of my parent's wishes and the so called fucking "will of god".